Feeling Sad today

Well, it's a beautiful Saturday morning and I just feel sad today... feeling today like maybe there is no hope for me to ever feel better... feel happy... what does happy even feel like, you know I'm not sure I really know...

I'm watching a presentation on the television for Dr Daniel Amen about how to make your brain healthy... it's strange to me that as I watch it I feel simultaneously like I want to try some of the techniques he is talking about and like it will never help me... my brain is too far gone... LOL geesh, sounds morbid doesn't it... well, at least I can still laugh at myself, I guess that's a sign that something positive is still going on in there...

I'm going to get out of the house soon, go walk the dogs, and then go visit some garden stores. I know this will help me feel a little better or at least it will distract me from my feelings... not feel so whelmed by them...

On the TV Dr Amen just said "Never stop being a warrior for the health of your brain"... that is the one promise I have made to myself that I intend to keep... no matter how hard things get or how troubled I feel, I will never give up on myself on trying to help myself heal and feel happy.

Maybe, if there is anyone reading this, you are wondering why do I feel sad, unhappy, etc... well, as I said in an earlier posting I've struggled with depression for a long time, and the depression stems from some pretty intense childhood trauma... it's a long story and maybe I'll share some of it as I go along with this blogging thing, if I feel inspired, for now I'll just say the feelings left behind from the trauma always haunt me somewhere in the back of my mind, the back of my awareness, I feel like I can never get away from it, and I've spent many years running from the feelings trying not to face them, trying to pretend they don't exist, and trying to pretend I was healing by acting in a way I thought a "healthy" person was supposed to act... for the first time really I'm trying to face my real feelings... but god, everyday I still feel like I just want all the sadness to go away... maybe someday...