Is it really a Dark Side

It has been a while since I have felt the urge or inclination to write, or really had the time but today I felt the inspiration and had a little time to express, so here are some thoughts for the day.

Today as I contemplate the contentment I feel inside myself I realize that to get to this place in my life, required me to face the dark places inside myself. Or at least the place I used to feel were dark, taboo, unacceptable, unworthy of ever seeing the light of day or breathing fresh air.  And so I spent much of my time fight those places, those aspects of myself, the rage, the selfishness, the judgment, the spite, the snobbishness and temperamental, thoughts and feelings, that made feel so unworthy to exist.

All these things were and are inside of me, all things I fought against, denied, repressed, and shoved into little boxes in closets somewhere out of sight, for years.  But all this hiding and denying and fighting ever did was make me feel worse about myself, make me act out in self-destructive ways when the boxes would burst open, make me hurt and push away the people around me, make me suffer silently inside a constant battle to squash my dark side. 

There finally came a day when I decided I didn't care anymore if I was a bad person, if all the rage and spite and selfishness and judgement was revealed to world, then at least everyone would see the truth would see why I had been so distant and remote, see why I hated myself so much and they would hate me too.  Then everyone would leave and I could just be the terrible person I knew I was alone.

An interesting thing happened though when I opened all the closets and dumped out all the boxes and let loose all the the things I thought were ugly and hateful and bad about myself.  I discovered, when unleashed, that my rage was my warrior self trying to protect my tender heart from those who would take advantage of me and try to break me.  My selfishness was my longing to find a safe place to be myself, to let my heart shine, without fear.  My judgment was my ability to see people more clearly for who they really are and not who they pretend to be.  My spite was my unwillingness to tolerate abuse or manipulation or deceit from anyone I let close to me, ever again. My snobbishness was my ability to value myself regardless of how others saw me or judged me.  

All these things I had fought against had hidden away inside, these were some of my greatest strengths, pieces of myself that I needed to be whole, to be happy to find contentment with my life and with myself.  These aspects I had hidden and called dark and bad they were just aspects of the whole, of me, the shadow and the light, each essential to the other.  I was not a bad person or unworthy I only need to embrace all the facets, reflecting different colors.  Just as the diamond with all it's aspects and facets is born from the extreme heat, pressure and darkness of the deep earth, emerging strong and able to reflect every color of the rainbow.

Feeling Sad today

Well, it's a beautiful Saturday morning and I just feel sad today... feeling today like maybe there is no hope for me to ever feel better... feel happy... what does happy even feel like, you know I'm not sure I really know...

I'm watching a presentation on the television for Dr Daniel Amen about how to make your brain healthy... it's strange to me that as I watch it I feel simultaneously like I want to try some of the techniques he is talking about and like it will never help me... my brain is too far gone... LOL geesh, sounds morbid doesn't it... well, at least I can still laugh at myself, I guess that's a sign that something positive is still going on in there...

I'm going to get out of the house soon, go walk the dogs, and then go visit some garden stores. I know this will help me feel a little better or at least it will distract me from my feelings... not feel so whelmed by them...

On the TV Dr Amen just said "Never stop being a warrior for the health of your brain"... that is the one promise I have made to myself that I intend to keep... no matter how hard things get or how troubled I feel, I will never give up on myself on trying to help myself heal and feel happy.

Maybe, if there is anyone reading this, you are wondering why do I feel sad, unhappy, etc... well, as I said in an earlier posting I've struggled with depression for a long time, and the depression stems from some pretty intense childhood trauma... it's a long story and maybe I'll share some of it as I go along with this blogging thing, if I feel inspired, for now I'll just say the feelings left behind from the trauma always haunt me somewhere in the back of my mind, the back of my awareness, I feel like I can never get away from it, and I've spent many years running from the feelings trying not to face them, trying to pretend they don't exist, and trying to pretend I was healing by acting in a way I thought a "healthy" person was supposed to act... for the first time really I'm trying to face my real feelings... but god, everyday I still feel like I just want all the sadness to go away... maybe someday...

More to say...

So, does it break some kind of blogger rule to post more than once in single day?  Oh well, I've always been a bit of a rule breaker... I just usually like to do it in very subtle ways...

Anyway, just feeling the need to express today... I just recently weaned myself off of taking Cymbalta, actually I've only been on a Zero dose for 7 days now....  It's been a tough few days... I actually had to take time off form work as I was feeling so emotionally unable to cope...

Today is just kind of a strange day... I feel sad and happy all at the same time... I'm just home alone with my dogs and keep swinging between feeling like I want to cry, and I mean like really break down and weep, and feeling really happy, like I could dance around the apartment...

See I told you I was a Crazy Girl...

Truth is though I haven't really felt emotionally "ok" in over a year now... I decided to get off the Cymbalta as it seemed to exaggerate my emotional mood swings... and I started feeling and even acting pretty self destructive...  nothing real terrible, except spending through my entire savings... lying to friends... pretending to be fine when I felt like I just wanted to roll over and die... pushing everyone who loves me away....

It's getting to the point it's hard to remember anymore what I felt like when I wasn't feeling emotionally extreme.  I've even been wondering if what I remember about feeling ok, was even real... I mean was I just pretending to feel ok... was I just kidding myself and doing a really good job at repressing all these sad, depressed feelings...

I've finally decided I'm going to go see a psychologist... I don't know if they will be able to help me... honestly I don't have a lot of confidence that they can... but maybe if nothing else they can just tell me that I'm normal crazy instead of really crazy....

Just getting Started

Ok, so never done any blogging before, but thought I might give it a try, and see how it goes....  

It feels kind of like giving a voice to the thoughts and feelings inside and sending them out to the silence to see what might come back... (heellloooo out there.....)

I named this blog "Musing of a Crazy Girl", well, for a couple of reasons...  but the number one reason is that pretty much my whole life I've felt a little crazy on the inside.... What do I mean by crazy?  Well, a little bipolar for one! (lol) And then everything I've ready about Borderline Personality Disorder seems to fit me pretty well too... 

I've never received a diagnosis or anything... just done a lot of reading... and done a lot of meditation and work on self-awareness.  Always trying to be a better person and always feelings like I never quite measure up...

Like I said, I've pretty much felt a little crazy my whole life.  Always, slightly out of sync with the people around me, always trying to fit in, belong, just be one of the 'gang'... mostly it works from an external view, I guess, I mean in general people seem to like me pretty well and don't seem to think I'm too weird... but inside I always feel the friction between how I really feel and how to just be a normal person...

I know is there really such a thing as a 'normal person'?  I don't really know, and I'm sure I'm way too hard on myself, and expect too much of myself... but where does that feeling of somehow being wrong/off/out-of-kilter/crazy on the inside come from... 'cause it never really goes away no matter what I do...

I'm sure my history plays into that feeling.... but that's a blog for another day...